September 4th, 2009

I'm slowly losing faith... People tell me, "He's not coming back," "He never loved you," "I bet he was tired of you bitching out all the time, and THAT'S why he left."

Maybe I'm leaning on Brian because they all sound real... I'm scared to get hurt. And I know that if I go one more week without him, I'll kill myself. I swore I wouldn't live without him. And I try to keep all my promises. Baby or no baby.

I still have the ring on. And I refuse to ever take it off. I will die in this ring.

...Brian. How am I going to break the news... Talking to Jada today, I realized I will never love Brian. Nobody can replace my Jason... He is the only person I trust with my heart, the only one gentle enough to hold it.
I miss his overprotective traits...every time I complained, I was feeling special and safe. I miss laying my head against his chest and listening to his heart beat. I miss that fading Chicago accent, the one I found absolutely adorable. I miss talking for hours...about everything & anything. I miss falling asleep in his arms.
(Pen fell into soda... Will continue in pencil)
I miss his laugh... I miss singing along to the radio with him. I miss watching him pick on Ginny, and seeing her threaten to shoot me with a Nerf gun if he didn't stop. I miss sitting in his lap, crying, and feeling him hug me (http://i27.tinypic.com/oiubeh.jpg). I miss kissing him... I miss his voice... I miss hearing, "Everything is going to be okay," and, "You are beautiful," and... "I love you."

September 3rd, 2009

Sorry for missing a day. I usually do these things at night, and I fell asleep the second I hit the pillow at 6:45pm. Shyeah, I know.

A lot happened today.
I've been crying all morning, during classes, and most of the evening.
Biology went well... My friend, Brian, brought extra pond water. We saw this moving skeleton thing under the microscope. Dx Ehhhh. It was gross. Fuck biology. And microscopes.
Actually, speaking of Brian... Gah, I don't know. He's been really sweet to me. I don't want to get serious with him - AT ALL - but he's nice to have around. And he makes me feel better when I cry.

I had a suicide attempt today. Maybe because I haven't taken my BP bills in weeks, or just because I am stupid. I like the shape of this cut... It barely touched my arm, but it carved a dim squiggle thing. Kind of cool.

Ginny is a bitch. -.-' Trying to fucking kill my child.
Fuck her.
She came over with Vodka, saying, "One drink won't hurt the bastard," and I said, "Don't call my baby a bastard," and the bitch said, "Actually, I was talking about it's daddy."
------------.......------------'' I punched her in the face. Bringing him into the conversation was vile, and just cruel... Typical Ginny.

♥

September 1st, 2009

Huh. It's funny (to me) that I'm writing this... I don't keep diaries. But I'm pregnant now, so... why not?

If this is my kid, in the future, reading, I am sorry for the suckish handwriting. I usually type shit. In fact, that's how your father and I met... Nevermind.

Um... What should I write here? Oh, good news, I didn't throw up today. And I can feel a tiny, little bump. That's youu.
I really wish I could talk to you... I'm a bit lonely. And I want to know how you are doing, what name you'd like, etc.

Not much happened today. Biology sucked, the "popular chicks" are all over you, and I had to swing by Starbucks. (BTW, thanks for finally craving something normal. That butter had to be one of THE nastiest things I have ever eaten.)

This doesn't really have much to do with you, but Grandma stopped by Nick's today. She and I had a heartfelt, mother-daughter conversation. I think. She said she DIDN'T call the police on him...but I think she's lying. And I trust Aunt Jada wamh. <3

Technically, I should change the date to Sept. 2nd... It just turned 12. Whatever. Goodnight, blob. I love you.

♥